Infidelity in our Politicians is a Lesson for Us All
Mark Sanford, the governor of South Carolina went to Argentina to cheat on his wife.
When spouses cheat on their spouses, it’s often about something that the spouses haven’t worked out in their relationship. It can have a lot to do with feelings and needs that they are afraid to express to their partners, and, therefore, don’t get met.
They are afraid of rejection or disappointment or other negative responses. It’s easier to stuff those feelings and find someone new that can admire you. And certainly, many people in politics, like Mark Sanford, have a need to be admired.
It’s about levels of intimacy
It’s about levels of intimacy and scary feelings of vulnerability. Many of us use our directory of friends to separate and spread our personal information. We talk to one about sports, one about feelings, one about work, and that’s healthy within limits. But just like having a gatekeeper physician that is the hub of your medical information, when a spouse is a hub of our total gamut of feelings and thoughts, it makes for a powerful relationship. It keeps us honest rather than spreading half truths or out-of-context facts amongst our friends and deluding ourselves about our current issue.
It’s about levels of intimacy and scary feelings of vulnerability. Many of us use our directory of friends to separate and spread our personal information. We talk to one about sports, one about feelings, one about work, and that’s healthy within limits. But just like having a gatekeeper physician that is the hub of your medical information, when a spouse is a hub of our total gamut of feelings and thoughts, it makes for a powerful relationship. It keeps us honest rather than spreading half truths or out-of-context facts amongst our friends and deluding ourselves about our current issue.
‘Stranger on the subway’ syndrome
However, rather than risk sharing so much with one person, it’s easier to start (have an affair) with someone new. It’s the ‘stranger on the subway’ syndrome. When you have feelings festering inside, it’s easier to share it with a stranger ‘on the subway’ than risk disappointing or angering the one you love. Haven’t you even hesitated to mention something to your spouse that you easily talk about to your friend.
However, rather than risk sharing so much with one person, it’s easier to start (have an affair) with someone new. It’s the ‘stranger on the subway’ syndrome. When you have feelings festering inside, it’s easier to share it with a stranger ‘on the subway’ than risk disappointing or angering the one you love. Haven’t you even hesitated to mention something to your spouse that you easily talk about to your friend.
It takes so much courage to reveal yet another imperfection to someone we love and is in a position to ‘judge’ us.
“United we stand; divided we fall” theory backwards
Subconsciously, we are acting on the “United we stand; divided we fall” theory and using it backward. If no one has all the information about us – our strengths and frailties – they will have no ultimate power over us. And that’s true, but you risk the value of coordinated medical treatment without a functioning gatekeeper physician. Also, you risk the value of nurturing the spiritual and emotional depth of a complete relationship without an intimate partner that you’ve bared your soul (not just your body) to. Nothing risked; nothing gained; therefore everything lost—including the respect of your children who need you more than you realize and everyone else in your world.
Subconsciously, we are acting on the “United we stand; divided we fall” theory and using it backward. If no one has all the information about us – our strengths and frailties – they will have no ultimate power over us. And that’s true, but you risk the value of coordinated medical treatment without a functioning gatekeeper physician. Also, you risk the value of nurturing the spiritual and emotional depth of a complete relationship without an intimate partner that you’ve bared your soul (not just your body) to. Nothing risked; nothing gained; therefore everything lost—including the respect of your children who need you more than you realize and everyone else in your world.
An affair is the easy way out–out of the life that you value. Don’t take the easy way out; take the difficult route in–into deeper trust and love than you’ve ever known.
Or maybe you have a different idea. I invite your ideas. And don’t forget to follow me on www.twitter.com/imperfectspouse.
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