For Women Who Date: A Good Relationship Takes Courage

MY GOAL

I’m dedicated to helping women who are unhappy in their relationship and would prefer to find a way to turn that around rather than end the relationship to transform their cold, rocky relationship into one that’s smooooooooth and HOT.

It’s within that context that I chose the name for my domain: ImperfectSpouse.com.

And it’s interesting to note the many ways that people are responding to those words: “Imperfect Spouse.”

DIFFERENT IS NOT IMPERFECT

Of course, the point of the words “Imperfect Spouse” is to say that in one sense we are all “imperfect,” but really, even more so, we are all “perfect” just as we are, with all of our idiosyncrasies. When we embrace and appreciate the differences between us and our spouse and stop letting them “trigger” our anger, disappointment, or whatever “negative” judgments and feelings we experience, and focus on loving him NOT  ‘DESPITE’ our differences  and NOT ‘BECAUSE’ of them, simply WITH our differences, then we can finally have the high-quality relationship that we desire and deserve.

Still the word “imperfect” in the phrase “imperfect spouse” continues to have its allure.

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In fact my bookkeeper insists that she is the “Imperfect Bookkeeper.” Indeed, she is not, but we have a good laugh.

“Imp” (as I call my Imperfect Bookkeeper for short) asked me to extend my advice beyond married women to women who are still dating.

SOME BACKGROUND FIRST

This woman is HOT. She has beauty, personality, brains, sensitivity, integrity, and an interesting career beyond the bookkeeping she does for me. Any guy she dates would be thrilled to know that she would deign to worry about what he thought of her.

Imp is dating. Her question to me is: “How can I tell whether this relationship is headed toward a romance or just a lovely friendship?” Is he considerate or just not romantically interested.

The funny thing is that Imp told her newest beau – who she really seems to like – early on that she didn’t like being rushed. She wanted them to get to know each other, before they got romantic.

Well, this guy listened to her. He plans lovely long dates, checks with her to make sure she approves. He doesn’t call her when he knows she is busy. When they do talk on the phone, it’s for over an hour. Sounds to me like he’s interested.

Imp is expressing her concern that she may get to like him so much that she’ll become vulnerable. She could get hurt.

VULNERABILITY IS  SO SEXY

But “becoming vulnerable” – taking down your walls and revealing your authentic self – is exactly what makes relationships so gentle and loving and worth the risk. I’m not saying that it’s easy to expose yourself in this way; I’m saying that it’s worth it… very worth it.

My advice to Imp: Remember that he’s doing what you asked for. Value the respect he’s showing you. View the relationship with “cheerful detachment” (I love this phrase that I heard in a wonderful piece of music by songwriter Jan Garrett).

In other words, whatever happens, happens. But focus less on your worries and more on your desired outcome. Use your knowledge about how to create the relationship you desire while also simply allowing it to unfold.

People get what they expect, so expect the best. In your relationship. In your life.


2 Responses to “For Women Who Date: A Good Relationship Takes Courage”

  1. Sunny says:

    People say you have to want the relationship (or anything you want) hard enough, but you’re saying to have “cheerful detachment”. Which is it?

  2. The Imperfect Spouse says:

    Sunny,
    There’s a difference between wanting something (a relationship or anything else) passionately and NEEDING the relationship. If you can see your world going on with or without him/her (even though you want that person), that’s cheerful detachment. That’s where you have the power of choice (and the responsibility that goes with it.) I vote for “cheerful detachment.

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