I wrote this in hopes that it may encourage the disillusioned.

Nathan and I are definitely poster children (poster adults?) for quiet joy of happy company. And so I wrote……

It’s February 13, the eve to Valentine’s Day.  Ahhhh, it’s so romantic.  Now, for Real life.

Over-romanticized versus Romantic

I believe that many people have an over-romanticized view of married life.  That’s so sad, because, it can never meet their expectations and then they feel that they have failed.  Not so, only unrealistic expectations. Stuff happens. It happens to us all. It’s not a about smoothly dancing through life it’s about dancing around all that gets in your way—-gracefully with good cheer.

Let me give a slice out of my very happy married life that isn’t typically “romantic” —- not even smooth or without disappointments.  Here is goes:

My cousin in-law wanted to show her mother (in town from the East Coast) Nathan’s art work.  So we invited them for dinner.  How lovely — of me to invite them when Nathan is the cook. He is always so good natured about my volunteering his chef services.

Last-Minute Cancellation

It was 4:30pm when we got the call that Mom had wrenched her back and had to be sitting on the plane for 6 hours tomorrow on the way home.  Dinner cancelled. Oh no, the smells were already wafting through the house: Eggplant parmesan, roasted little potatoes, already in their big casserole dishes.   Did I mention I was already getting hungry?

I called our son. Did he want to come over? No. I couldn’t think of anyone else to call so late.

I said: “Stop the cooking and we’ll worry about it tomorrow.  Do you want to go to the movies?”

He said: “Yes, I really want to see the Hurt Locker; it got great reviews.”

I think: “Oh, no, I don’t want to see that–too much violence.”

He said: “How about Inglorious Bastards?”

I think: “This is not going well.”

I’m ready to give in and see the Hurt Locker, but the pain onmy face must have been too clear and Nathan said he didn’t want to go to the movies tonight.

See, this is real life

Shall we eat in or go out?  This was a question that I could answer–easily.

I said, “We need to go out.”

He said: Okay, I want to go to the 8oz Burger Bar on Melrose. What a relief. It was something he wanted that I have resisted. I’m not a burger kind of gal, usually. Nathan wanted to try their veggie burger.

We went.  We shared a veggie burger and garlic potato fries, and I got grilled artichoke and delicious broccoli to round out the meal with a glass of sauvignon blanc to share.

The music was too loud. The restaurant was clearly going for the under 35 crowd. Nathan and I must have raised the average age by 10, maybe 20, maybe more years.

Food, the Important Stuff

Definitely the Way to my Heart is Through my Stomach.

The food was delicious. They always say that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, and that’s how it works for me as well.  Food calms me down and a bit of wine heightens my mood. If I have to choose between the food or the wine, food will win every time, unless I just ate.  It’s almost Valentine’s Day; see how romantic I get.

Afterwards, we went for a walk along Melrose to walk off the food..  It was more lively this evening, cause it was before 8pm and the stores were open. We went into Wasteland, a large, trendy store of retro clothing to browse. The store was definitely not making money from us. What I saw  that I liked wasn’t even for sales; it was an interesting partition made of wooden hangers—very cool.

We kept walking and passed a store called Street Sounds, 7704 Melrose Ave, the second DJ shop in Southern California. There was a T shirt in the window that said “I  (pix of) heart, (pix of) house, (pix of) musical notes–(I love house music).  It’s the ‘house’ that didn’t make sense, so I went into the store (empty at the moment) and asked the owner what it meant.  Apparently there is a musical genre called house music. Okay, so we’re out of touch.  We ended up having a wonderful conversation with this man who is of  the Bahai faith from Iran –coming about 30 years ago to go to college here. We got his whole story and Nate amused him with this standard stories.

Repetition Proves my Membership in the Nostalgia Club

You know after 42 years married, I’ve stopped even counting how many times I’ve heard the same story.  It used to bother me as repetitive and boring, but now I am bemused by it as predictability and like a secret handshake that I know.

We walked back to our car and went home.  At home, we each went to our own computer to check our email. Now that’s a real Valentines’ Eve.  Enough time with you, now I’m heading into the other room.  “Nathan, here I come.”

What Do You Think?

Do you have any experience with letting go of your expectations of your partner and your overly romaticized view of relationship and life in general. ? I’d love to hear your success stories!

I welcome you to leave your comments on this blog post!

 Some things are simply typical and others are even more typical.  My colleague Jay Aaron asked me for a picture of Nathan and me facing each other.  We could use it on the website.  We could use the silhouette as a logo.  We could do a bunch of things for the website.

After all, with “3-step Transform your Relationship” course, I want to create a more purposeful web presence. And I like the idea of having me and my husband as an example of what’s possible between couples and as an example of what the ImperfectSpouse.com Web site is designed to achieve.

Some Things Are Simply Typical….

Nathan (my hubby), who is an artist photographer, wouldn’t take the time or effort to set up a tripod and take our picture together. Instead he set me up sideways against the white background (the kitchen cabinets) to take my photo, and then he had me take a similar picture of him.

This was Nathan’s way of doing things. Instead of arguing, I just went along. After all, it might work. I’ve learned it’s not about getting what you want; it’s about the cost of getting what you want. When the price is too high, I don’t always want it. It’s not about making him happy; it’s about having a very clear sense of what makes ME happy.  Right now, we were in a good mood, having a good time, and didn’t want to ruin that ambiance. Besides, I wasn’t sure we’d use the pix for a logo anyway.

After we shot the pictures, Nathan went into his studio. Alone with his computer, he did his magic, and voila our two pictures became a single picture of us both looking in the direction of each other.

Actually I thought those pictures came out okay.  It was interesting to see that he had my head ever so slightly higher than his, when I’m definitely shorter than he. He said it was his artistic license.  I took it as a compliment.

…And Other Things Are Even More Typical

The silhouetted profiles didn’t seem to match in emotion. I was laughing (surprise, surprise) and he wasn’t. In retrospect that may be representative.

Nathan does laugh. In fact, he is always saying to me, “Don’t make me laugh.”  He doesn’t really mean don’t make him laugh. He really means to say, “I wasn’t planning on laughing at this moment and I’m taken by surprise.”  But he’s not a smiley kind of guy. Even when he’s being silly, he’s not actually laughing, he’s making silly faces.  I’m the one who’s laughing. That’s always been my job. Keep ‘em laughing. I was the official court jester as a child in my family. That was my role.

The Value of Outside Input

When I sent the pictures to Jay, he pointed out that the combined image didn’t seem to work. It wasn’t that my and Nathan’s emotions didn’t match; it was that we weren’t actually looking into each other’s eyes and relating to one another. Jay said we seemed like two people looking out into space, with someone else’s disembodied head in front of us. Yikes!

The purpose of this image is to give people a sense of the RESULTS of the “Imperfect Spouse System.” If what Jay saw was what other people would see, this first attempt didn’t work. But the idea still might be a good one.

Besides, apparently Nate didn’t save the picture, so I can’t even show it to you.

Control and Change What You Can – Yourself!

Okay, let’s try this again.  While my son was over for dinner with his girl, I had him take pictures of us, but Nathan was insistently silly—passive-aggressively resistant.

Well, it’s part of my own Transform you Relationship Course, that you can’t change or control anyone else, least of all your stubborn husband.  My husband will spend many hours in the day, thinking and doing what will make me happy, but he will not do what he doesn’t want to do, so get over it and move on.

That’s why I’ve changed what I CAN change – myself. I no longer expect Nathan to do what he determines he doesn’t want to do. Heck, we paid an agent to sell his artwork and Nathan wouldn’t do the artwork or use the color palette that the agent requested. We let the agent go; it was a waste of money to try to get Nathan to do anything that he didn’t want to do, no matter what a “good idea” it was.  ( Don’t look; he doesn’t have his site on the web yet. That will come some time this year.)

When you Can’t Get What You Want…

I can control myself and my own expectations and my own reactions and responses, and I do. I laughed and had a good time.  Based on, when you can’t get what you want, you might as well have fun with what you get.

All’s Well That Ends Well

But, get this epilogue….

Later that same evening, he was helping me clean up from dinner with the kids. He looked at me and said that there were two times particularly  (at breakfast and when I’m sleeping) that he looks at me and says to himself that he is the luckiest man in the world to have me, to live with me.

That’s a man for you—drive you crazy then melt your heart.

Postscript

The pictures my son took of Nathan and me together weren’t the best pictures of us. But they’re better than the first attempt, because they show us more like we truly are when we interact with one another.

I don’t know if we’ll use this second set of pictures for the ImperfectSpouse.com logo, but they’ve already served their purpose. “Proof of concept” for my business, and here they are, already being used on the ImperfectSpouse.com Web site as the catalyst for this article post!

What Do You Think?

Do you have any experience with letting go of your expectations of your partner and allowing him to just be who he is and act like he acts, without triggering you? I’d love to hear your success stories!

And I’d love to know what you think about our photo. Does it bring up a feeling inside you about the kind of relationship that you’d like – the kind of relationship that Nathan and I share? Please leave your comments on this blog post!

I’m excited about being a Feminine Leader (as opposed to a Masculine Leader—sorry couldn’t resist it) and will host a table and lead a break-out session.  Being at the historic Beverly Hills Hotel in Beverly Hills will be fun, and having my step-daughter visiting from New Hampshire and attending is an awesome bonus.

Barnsdall Art Center is a great Hidden Treasure in Los Angeles

Anyway, so I took time this morning to help him with his interest.  Nathan is president of BACSAC, oh help me, I have to remember what that stands for.  Okay, let’s see—Barnsdall Art Center Student  Assoc Committee, or something close to that.

Today was registration for the winter class and 250 people registered for classes.  Some classes, ceramics and jewelry, were maxed out.  Since becoming President, Nathan has a charming paternal interest in the smooth running of all events.  For registration, they have city employees and regular volunteers that do a fine job. And the new treasurer was there pitching in and up to speed as this was her second registration already.

What/Who’s more important at this moment?

It’s one of those situations.  I would have rather been home working on my class worksheets for my Monday 3-steps to Transform your Relationship telecourse.  Check out http://imperfectspouse.com/3-step-telecourse. Or I’d rather be working on my breakout session for Amazing Woman’s Day.

But it would seem inappropriate to be refusing to help my husband (and he doesn’t ask that often) so that I could be writing about great relationships.  The irony was not lost on me so I yielded, waking up at the ridiculously early time of 7am — and even did so reasonably pleasantly.  (Nathan can be so sensitive when I have a snotty attitude.)

Hidden Bonuses of Being Nice to Your Partner

Actually, when I think about it, forcing yourself to spend time with your spouse even when you have important things to do, could be one of the big bonuses of married (or connected) life.  It makes for at least some balance in your life.  Another person in your life, living with you lets you know that they have the right to spend some time with you.  So I know to pull back my focus enough to sure that I get him in the picture. The bonus for me is that I think I become a better person when I’m not so turned into myself, and I get me best thoughts when I’ve changed my mental scenery.

Also, I think in retrospect that I discuss maybe just one thing that is bothering me each car ride or urban walk that with Nate. We

Out to Dinner at Jerry's

went out to dinner tonight, because he didn’t feel like cooking.  (Yes, I know that I am truly blest.) So I was saying about having sometimes what seems like the smallest things that roam around in my head until I make a decision. This time it was which eye doctor should  I go to for my next eye exam. (Well, I had a couple of docs in mind and each had positives and negatives.) This helping me make these decisions isn’t something that I would notice as much if I weren’t teaching this course, but bringing it to consciousness, I truly value it.  He’s  learned to be a great sounding board. Thank you Nathan.

Good Deeds are Rewarded

Oh, and great postscript, while I was helping out at registration, a gentleman asked if I were teaching a course. I said,”No.” He said, “Oh, well if you were, I would register for that class.”  Providence rewarding my good deed.

I finished the second class of my second class at around 6:30pm.  As you probably know by now, I’m teaching the Three-Step to Transforming your Relationship Experience course starting the first Monday of each month.

The next 3-Step “Transform Your Relationship Experience” TeleCourse begins February 1, 2010. Check it out and register here:

http://ImperfectSpouse.com/3-step-telecourse

I’ll have to apologize later, when I have time

So as I was saying, I was finished my teleclass and I had to cross off the next thing on my ‘to do’ list.  I had to go apologize to Nathan for being in such a snit before the class.  The printer wouldn’t work and I couldn’t print out the script to my class and Nathan was nonchalantly opening the mail and making comments—-that required thoughtful answers.  There was less and less rope and the end on my tether.

After he did get my script printed, I suggested that I needed to concentrate on what I would be teaching FULLY – without distraction or interruption.  I was basically a calm communicator, but definitely Not pleasant.  He did get the hint and left, closing the door after exclaiming that he didn’t do anything wrong and that I shouldn’t be angry at him.  I explained that I wasn’t upset at him; I was just upset. I apologized but with that same edge because I was still agitated. He left; I was relieved.  I couldn’t be nasty if there was no one to be nasty to.

You know one of the things that I teach is that when we women (and men) are unhappy — or tense, or worried—and we blame it on our spouses and our relationships, we are externalizing.  We need to turn that feeling and point it back to ourselves.  So I did know that Nathan was just trying to help, wanting to enjoy my company, and all the negative emotion was completely generated by me—and I can be very good at that.

I took responsibility for my own grouchy behavior Read the rest of this entry »

First, click the “3-Step TeleCourse link at the top of this Web site and sign up for “Transform your Relationship Experience”  TeleCourse

Nathan and I went for a walk on Sunset Boulevard in Hollywooe, down where Chin Chin is. We passed a store window with a mannequin  dressed in elegant Elizabethan attire. The entire outfit was made of recyclables—plastic bags, paper, batteries, etc. Very, very clever.  Then on a small sign it listed all the things that were represented as recyclables.

I said, “Hangers. See, I told you hangers are recycled.”  (He gets his shirts laundered and put on hangers.  He always puts the hangers in the trash.  I even brought up a separate trash can to the bedroom for the hangers and other recyclables. He got confused about which was which, and hence ignored it completely. Read the rest of this entry »

With 42 years of marriage, we’ve gone through some rough spots.  But some things actually started out at the front of the line. One incredibly important deal-breaker was name calling.  My sweet easy-going (not necessarily easy to get along with) husband came with only 2 requirements:

1. If at all possible that we get custody of his 2 children (8 & 13) and
2. No name-calling—not in a joke, not in a double-entendre, not in a clearly sarcastic remark, not ever.  It’s the only time I saw that flash of “Don’t mess with me or I’m outta here —now.”  He meant business!

I came from the heart of sarcasm land. My mother would say the most outrageous thing in complete seriousness until I got completely hysterical and then announce she was kidding – and not a moment before my hysteria.  She told my brother to call me Fatty, because she thought it would motivate me to lose weight.  I am serious.

And she loved me.  True, she wasn’t mature in every area of her life.

So not saying a funny, sarcastic, but insulting name as a joke was really hard for me.  I would declare, “Oh for heaven’s sake, you’re brilliant, Nathan. Clearly I’m only kidding when I call you ‘Stupid’.”  Apparently, he didn’t get it. Read the rest of this entry »

MY GOAL

I’m dedicated to helping women who are unhappy in their relationship and would prefer to find a way to turn that around rather than end the relationship to transform their cold, rocky relationship into one that’s smooooooooth and HOT.

It’s within that context that I chose the name for my domain: ImperfectSpouse.com.

And it’s interesting to note the many ways that people are responding to those words: “Imperfect Spouse.” Read the rest of this entry »

Lissarankin (http://www.owningpink.com) Angry people cannot create a peaceful planet, turn your thoughts to Joy and feel the shift.

I responded: Yes. Anger is a choice. That was a powerful revelation to me.

Lissa said: A revelation that enlightened your life, I’m sure! RT @ImperfectSpouse: Yes. Anger is a choice. That was a powerful revelation to me.

I responded: @Lissarankin Knowing anger was a choice more than enlightened my life, it changed my marriage. It oiled the gears for smooth ride.

Lissa said: That is beautiful @ImperfectSpouse what a wonderful way you Owned your Anger. Big *hugs* to you.

Then I was off to the rest of my day and this evening when I have had a chance to reflect.I conclude that anger is ugly, hence,the expression on my face. (That picture is of me very angry or very constipated.)

I find one of the primary sources of anger is defending your position against somebody else’s thoughts. This defensive position can be coming from a victim mentality— feeling already defeated with no way of winning. You noticed that I mentioned ‘winning’ as if this were a contest, not a conversation. And it may be, depending on you and the other person, though I don’t recommend it. Read the rest of this entry »

 Fairy Tales

Fairy tales and kid’s stories help children learn the difference between fact and fantasy.  Still, as much as children adore the fable of Santa Claus, they let go – some earlier than others.

But there’s one fantasy that seems to persist into adulthood: The idea of “A Knight in Shining Armor.”
 This fantasy perpetuates the feeling in women that we need/want to be taken care of. That feeling wreaks havoc with our growing sense of self-worth and our need to be independent. Many of us conduct wars within ourselves on a daily, if not moment-by-moment, basis.

And then there’s how we, as women, view our men. And the kind of men we have relationships with, or marry. According to many women, our men are either wusses or control freaks. They push us around (not physically, I hope) or we resent that they let us push them around.

It was somewhere around the time that I truly recognized this external battle (between men and women, and about what women want and expect of the men in their lives) and internal battle (within myself, wanting to be cared for and simultaneously independent) that I stopped blaming my husband Nate and started looking at him, observing him.

 ”Drool Cool”

Nate definitely isn’t  the vibrant, vital, virile man from the Dos XX (beer) ad. That guy is so cool, he’s “drool cool.”

Well, actually, if we dressed Nathan and coiffed him “perfectly,” he COULD look  like the Dos XX man in a picture – but not in a video. Though he can sometimes look cool, he rarely ACTS it.  Instead, he either acts gruff, loving, disinterested,  caring, thoughtless, thoughtful… A lot of things – a bunch of them very lovable – but not one of them necessarily “cool.”

Hey, what am I asking of my man? After all, even the Dos XX man gets body odor, and farts. A fart (the louder the better) is the true evidence of a happy, self-satisfied living man – definitely not one of the fantasy qualities of a knight in shining armor.

 John Gray

 In real life, most men DO try their darnedest to make their women happy.

 Yes, I believe that.

 It’s true, men are awkward, misinformed, and clumsy.

 And we women are sometimes picky and mean in our demands. We want men’s armor polished to a high shine. We want them perfect.

 It’s not just that men are not perfect (neither are we, ladies), it’s that men are men – an entirely different species. (Well, not really… But it can seem like they are.)

 Men are Martians; not knights. That’s why John Gray, PhD,  wrote “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” http://home.marsvenus.com/

 Mimi Donaldson
 Another person I learned about these differences from is Mimi Donaldson http://www.mimidonaldson.com/ 

I heard Mimi speak  a couple of times, more than 15 years ago. She had a different last name then. She’s the first speaker that I ever bought an”information product” from – tapes (yes, cassette tapes) of her speeches, which she was selling from the back of the presentation room.

 Mimi talks about how men and women behave differently in the workplace. When I heard her speak, the truer her words were, the funnier she was, and she was hilarious. She took stuff I knew and reorganized it into new information. Her information is more than hilarious, it’s very helpful. Hire her as a speaker, buy her information products, listen to her speak… get her information any way that you can.

 Defending the Caveman

 One other person that’s had a great impact on my understanding and being able to talk about the differences between men and women is Rob Becker in his comedy show “Defending the Caveman” http://www.cavemania.com/ (He’s appearing in Las Vegas right now.)

Rob’s show had Nathan and I rolling on the floor – partially from embarrassment, because we saw ourselves in his stories.

Although I suspect that Rob considers himself an actor and not a comedian, he gave me the idea to pay attention to comedians as a source of information about relationships. I don’t agree with everything comics say, of course, and I probably wouldn’t repeat a great deal that most comedians say on the subject, but many times they get it right on. Watching comedians is definitely a fun way to do research on relationships.

 Merle at the Improv

In fact, if you haven’t already done so, check out my own attempt at stand-up comedy at the Hollywood Improv. You can find it in the comedy section on YouTube, titled  Merle at the Improv   I highly recommend it. I’m funny – mostly.

  Summary

 It took me a while, but I learned that Nate has never been stupid or mean, as I was absolutely sure he must be. (Well, I still have to check that out from time to time…) He’s always just been male.

 And we are living happily ever after, but definitely not perfectly.  Ahhh….

 How do you handle the male/female differences in YOUR relationship? Let me know your thoughts.

 Follow me on Twitter: http://twitter.com/ImperfectSpouse?Find me on Facebook: http://Facebook.com Search: Merle Singer

It was Wednesday. Nate asked me where I was going? I didn’t want to tell him. Ever get like “Do I have to account for every second of my life just cause I’m married.” Well, actually it wasn’t like that. I don’t get those feelings anymore-but I used to.

I didn’t want to tell him because I was going to the hairdresser and I wanted to see if he would notice when I got home. If I tell him of course he will be alerted. He asked so directly that I couldn’t obfuscate or change the subject, so I told him. He took it in. In fact, he said something to the effect that “I’ll be sure to notice your hair when you get home.”

I went to Loehmann’s afterwards to extend the time to see if he would still remember. Well, I also wanted a couple of tops. I haven’t bought any clothes this year. That can start to wear on a lady’s psyche after a while.

(Caption:Yellow is not good next to my sallow complexion, but I fell in love with the color and pattern.)

Even so, when I got home, he remembered to oooh and ahhh. Note, I said remembered, because I know he remembered; I not sure that he noticed. Let’s face it, when I’m in the middle of a style, a trip to the hairdresser freshens it up, it doesn’t make an extreme difference. Even my friends don’t notice; they just complement me on how great I look in general. I can see they haven’t figured out why. Hey, I’m not complaining.

So, here’s the imperfect spouse part. It was me—-this time. What was I doing testing him—he wouldn’t notice my hair if I didn’t tell where I’m going? What kind of stupid stuff is that, even if I wasn’t really serious about it?  I really don’t get angry when he doesn’t notice, and if it’s important to me that he make me feel good about how I look, I say to him, “Nathan notice that my hair is done and tell me how wonderful it looks. And he does; that works so great. I think sometimes I act classically female by default and it’s nothing to brag about. It’s not fair to set traps. It doesn’t take a lot of skill to set a trap that a caring, loving, but not that tuned in to our wavelength man will fall into. But every trap we set, injures the man we trap. Is that really what we want? No; shame on me.

I spend half my time thinking about was yoyos men are and the rest thinking about what insecure meanies (true I was thinking of the plural of a 5 letter word, but this works) we are.
When I was younger, I honestly thought that men and women were exactly the same except for men’s extra appendage — which gave them a leg up on us women (I simply could not resist the humor. — Yes, that’s humor. If men and women are alike, then men truly are flunking out. And that makes woman flunking out, too. But we are not alike, although we do share an amazing amount of thoughts and values. Nathan said that what he admired about me when we met, was my values; I didn’t even know they were showing.
Anyway, men and women are different. Next blog, I’ll talk about who I learned that from. There are about 3 people that got the differences through my thick skull. Stay tuned.

Let me know your thoughts.  And stay tuned for contest next month.

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