There’s a Place for Apologies in a Great Relationship
I finished the second class of my second class at around 6:30pm. As you probably know by now, I’m teaching the Three-Step to Transforming your Relationship Experience course starting the first Monday of each month.
The next 3-Step “Transform Your Relationship Experience” TeleCourse begins February 1, 2010. Check it out and register here:
http://ImperfectSpouse.com/3-step-telecourse
I’ll have to apologize later, when I have time
So as I was saying, I was finished my teleclass and I had to cross off the next thing on my ‘to do’ list. I had to go apologize to Nathan for being in such a snit before the class. The printer wouldn’t work and I couldn’t print out the script to my class and Nathan was nonchalantly opening the mail and making comments—-that required thoughtful answers. There was less and less rope and the end on my tether.
After he did get my script printed, I suggested that I needed to concentrate on what I would be teaching FULLY – without distraction or interruption. I was basically a calm communicator, but definitely Not pleasant. He did get the hint and left, closing the door after exclaiming that he didn’t do anything wrong and that I shouldn’t be angry at him. I explained that I wasn’t upset at him; I was just upset. I apologized but with that same edge because I was still agitated. He left; I was relieved. I couldn’t be nasty if there was no one to be nasty to.
You know one of the things that I teach is that when we women (and men) are unhappy — or tense, or worried—and we blame it on our spouses and our relationships, we are externalizing. We need to turn that feeling and point it back to ourselves. So I did know that Nathan was just trying to help, wanting to enjoy my company, and all the negative emotion was completely generated by me—and I can be very good at that.
I took responsibility for my own grouchy behavior
But class was over. I did a good job. It was successful. So I could move on to that ‘to do’ list and do my apology. Apologizing isn’t as good as not being mean to a loved one in the first place, but it’s better than not apologizing.
I sat next to him in the den and watched the news with him—which I don’t often do. It was my gift of company. And I suggested an urban walk. It gets us out in the evening and we walk streets with nice shop windows. Maybe the stores will be open or not. Usually a book store will be. We stopped in a food store to buy something I wanted, so that he could feel that he was getting something for me, solving a problem for me, and that makes him feel good. The walk itself gets us moving and makes our bodies feel good. I did everything to change the negative mood that I had created earlier.
One of the things I teach is to be conscious when you are being triggers by a negative thought, and stop the thought dead in its tracks. Replace it with another thought. I’ve done games changing nursery rhymes at seminars. It’s fun.
Since I didn’t have time to address my behavior immediately, I simply got to it as soon as I could, and I did it not just in thought but in my actions.
Hey, folks. It works. We both came home happy and calm and holding hands. Even I say, “Ahhh.”
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good one
love, j