There’s a Place for Apologies in a Great Relationship

I finished the second class of my second class at around 6:30pm.  As you probably know by now, I’m teaching the Three-Step to Transforming your Relationship Experience course starting the first Monday of each month.

The next 3-Step “Transform Your Relationship Experience” TeleCourse begins February 1, 2010. Check it out and register here:

http://ImperfectSpouse.com/3-step-telecourse

I’ll have to apologize later, when I have time

So as I was saying, I was finished my teleclass and I had to cross off the next thing on my ‘to do’ list.  I had to go apologize to Nathan for being in such a snit before the class.  The printer wouldn’t work and I couldn’t print out the script to my class and Nathan was nonchalantly opening the mail and making comments—-that required thoughtful answers.  There was less and less rope and the end on my tether.

After he did get my script printed, I suggested that I needed to concentrate on what I would be teaching FULLY – without distraction or interruption.  I was basically a calm communicator, but definitely Not pleasant.  He did get the hint and left, closing the door after exclaiming that he didn’t do anything wrong and that I shouldn’t be angry at him.  I explained that I wasn’t upset at him; I was just upset. I apologized but with that same edge because I was still agitated. He left; I was relieved.  I couldn’t be nasty if there was no one to be nasty to.

You know one of the things that I teach is that when we women (and men) are unhappy — or tense, or worried—and we blame it on our spouses and our relationships, we are externalizing.  We need to turn that feeling and point it back to ourselves.  So I did know that Nathan was just trying to help, wanting to enjoy my company, and all the negative emotion was completely generated by me—and I can be very good at that.

I took responsibility for my own grouchy behavior

But class was over. I did a good job.  It was successful.  So I could move on to that ‘to do’ list and do my apology.  Apologizing isn’t as good as not being mean to a loved one in the first place, but it’s better than not apologizing.

I sat next to him in the den and watched the news with him—which I don’t often do. It was my gift of company.  And I suggested an urban walk.  It gets us out in the evening and we walk streets with nice shop windows.  Maybe the stores will be open or not. Usually a book store will be. We stopped in a food store to buy something I wanted, so that he could feel that he was getting something for me, solving a problem for me, and that makes him feel good.  The walk itself gets us moving and makes our bodies feel good.  I did everything to change the negative mood that I had created earlier.

One of the things I teach is to be conscious when you are being triggers by a negative thought, and stop the thought dead in its tracks. Replace it with another thought. I’ve done games changing nursery rhymes at seminars. It’s fun.

Since I didn’t have time to address my behavior immediately, I simply got to it as soon as I could, and I did it not just in thought but in my actions.

Hey, folks. It works.  We both came home happy and calm and holding hands. Even I say, “Ahhh.”


One Response to “There’s a Place for Apologies in a Great Relationship”

  1. JOSEPH says:

    good one

    love, j

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